Forever Seeking to Find the Hidden

Pre------->Post

2010-10-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

Well here we go again.

I find it quite interesting whenever I come back and post something on this barely breathing, barely touched blog that it appears that any time I ever post something here is when I shouldn't be posting. I mean, I guess I use this as a last resort, last possible distraction to prolong the procrastination that is my college career.

Oh well, at least someone (most emphasis is on the one) has something to read.

Anywhos......

I find it interesting that unlike my fellow peers, I find myself aged beyond my years.

In my current state I find it peculiar that my bedtimes are always earlier on the weekends than they are on the weekdays (ahem school nights), That probably shows what the proportions of my life right now have amounted to.

I apologize for being so secluded. I don't mean to be but yet I do try.

Buckley You Sly Sly Dog

2010-09-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

Inspirations Lacking

2010-06-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

In search of foundation.

We'll see.

Aids In Finance. Work-Study

2010-03-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

Ummm......so yeah bureaucracy sucks.

I've been working so so hard to get this job in order so I don't have to worry about the all the paperwork anymore. I mean, it's weird to say that all I want to do is work.

Is that so hard to do?

Research should be the hardest thing about this job but why does it seem like easiest.

KSADS SIPS BASC WISC SCQ MRIRUN ERPRUN STROOP

2010-03-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

I've never been so excited for a cubicle before in my life.

Hopefully, just hopefully, this all works out.

Perhaps I see research in the Future? Whatever happened to clinical?

Friday Night Laundry. 2 Loads and One for Morning

2010-03-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

Such Young Nice Boys Such Nice Young Boys

Such young nice boys become the fury

To whom, however, predisposed, these are

Those young nice boys, grow in surpass of their brothers

Though sisters, we sisters, are kept to quite the dainty hands

Of the unbridled strength of the Being, Naïve

Not to be heard but not them to be unknown

There is mission to be clever

Smart is, as only as it does at some point

Towards that sly, that mischief, of words hidden in birth

Are we what separates the tongues of the falsetto remembrance?

A break in pitch, in frequency, to whom laughter results

Is all that remains of the degradation of freckles with wrinkles too

Come soft wrinkles, come hard lines that fissure

We have cut the cables of this imagination

That phantasmal panorama of the bygones of yester

Apparition and opposition seem to engulf that lover

Of wants and begs to womb

I am no mother to these young nice boys

I am no father to these nice young men

Forever I’ll be

Forever To you

Even though I am to you,

That young nice boy who craves the transition of that young nice man

It Was Once Today . Saw There The Past

2010-02-22T23:07:00.000-08:00

Here's a line out of John Hollander's poem By Heart that has seemed to stick out to me just now.

"We play by ear, but learn the words by heart;"

Just let it sit for awhile. I know I'm sitting.

Time To Myself. Myself Abandoned.

2010-02-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

I stare and I observe. It is just I do not know what I am viewing.

Detached am I.
Detached is I.

I need some fulfillment. It's been awhile since I've been myself. I do everything I can to just fill this gap that I'm missing. Sometimes too much and mostly too little. In all fairness, there's no reason to complain or anything. From an observer's point of view, and myself even, I have it pretty good right now on paper. I'm not faced by any adversity.

I just don't know what it is.

Unstable is I. I need stability in all aspects.

Mind.
Body.
Heart.

Fresh in the mind of Men

2010-02-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

Which of that is Not Supposed to Be Around Saint.

How quick were you?

Slow to realize but be forever negligible

Just one glimpse, an intention of

A haunting thought if you were one to know

He was there situated on the right though his hands grasp left amongst all

Paced and conditioned by sinister perspective

That which was dexter

It was from the bearer’s point of view

I thought I saw you on the tracks

Trying to catch your second wind

But never mind, the case was not one to be expected

I should know now by that statement but I still hope for reason

Key in on the still

Whether it be on the moment of or the status that remains of I

I have grown to be of this still

Integrating the area

Summing up the infinite wonder

Excitement only begins with a reasonable goal

I guess that was too much to ask for

That was just too much

Way too much

I cannot believe

Though out of the unconventional sense

Imprinting was key

Such critical experiences have stuck without reinforcement

I lie but lets just let those definitions be for the sake of the current tell

I have learned these lessons in the same room but logic has only come out of essence now

Irreversible is I and caught is I to two standpoints

Time being; sit to be awoken for tomorrow’s morning is never too early

Stand in the corner with heads turned out to the summation of that vector

Look upon whatever is was there

Be the teller of the now then happenings

Portrayal of the remiss is marked upon my condition

Whosoever asks is deemed into the arbitrary

Values of proof

Of one who still is figuring.

Voices of the Dainty Sort

2010-02-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

When You Give Your Heart

I recently discovered Laura Veirs. She is good. Very soothing and almost like Fleet Foxes.

Also, She & Him

I Thought I saw Your Face Today

Big Blocks and Pushed Together Thoughts

2010-01-30T14:51:00.000-08:00

Banter Memes: I Like That.

My eyes see in only one way. For myself, I am away without bother. I cannot relate to those who seem all so familiar but that is what it takes, I know. Unsure of the possibilities, I wait to be patient to forgo the time spent. The minutes’ three, the weeks are atrophied. To the climax, I say, long is it really? Which are? Such clinal steps are beginning to run twice in length and then on to three. Happenings occur for periods undetermined such is a rolling highlight I feel is quite the predicament I’m in. I abstain from my worry and delight because both seem to balance my thoughts. This potential, I feel, lifts me up from shoulders and all, though I feel tethered. Don’t get me wrong; I am positive which is weird because poles point north. Content with all that is around, opportunity fills me. I turn around but I sense bitterness on my tongue. No fault to anyone really, just a grudge with myself. Playful tough love, what a joker this guy is. Oh my, there is an abundance and there are so many I find. Which to select? Nope, not that. Smile at the situation and be blessed that I am apparently aware. I may be undeserving but my reasons are selfish. Like my father, I am stubborn and confused but I manage to overdue my generosity. However so appealing, I expect not of this passage. I say to everyone welcome. I have not addressed the perspective yet, the outliers’, of course. I don’t care about them but I continue to say welcome. I am of three sides though this room has four corners. This image shows no scene or placement so stop the thought right there. I’ll worry about myself first before I get onto the others. There is care there but I’d be a fool to let it get in my way. Sharing the fun is never a bore to me. It’s the desire to be shared with is what I found the least fun. Isolated by thought, dreams circle round and round. Away they go until they became of the utmost clarity. Then I wake up. What was it again? Fuck. Anyways, I move on but where to? Attached by this groove, I oscillate my mood to beat. Internal clocks, I believed, are moved by internal reflection. Total internal that is. Those that I know will only take interest in investment of time. And I expect myself the same onto them but earlier lines should not get in the way. I apologize to ramble but only the few will get through as with my life. I’m in line to get by. To just get by is all that I ask but my standards are higher then to just settle. I want to settle but feel at ease. Perhaps it will be here or wherever. So for now, the familiar, I trust, will be believed as familiar and my distance from the familiar is just an odd obscurity. I’m getting there. For the edge is in sight. A sight to rest for now but the rest will be just a break. Conveyance should become destination. The might is more powerful than the perhaps. I say I might do this or I might do that but when has anyone ever believed me? I’m not sure of this statement but only the good can get better, only the sad become sadder. I am that extra push to the relative more. I have become the before and after. Which only leads to the mean. That is, what most call the now. To a certain extent, I have said this too many times. Does change in me constitute a change in behavior and grace? I do not suppose so. Priorities are hard to find especially when I find them most obvious. What I need to do is refuse a select few of my hopes. I have too many in mind but the amount seems fair. To further my expanse, I must. Reluctant am I to not. A careful distinguisher you are for making it this far.

I Applaud and I Jeer.

Just let go of thoughts and wants. Obviously, free will is a gift but the outcome may not be what you asked Mom and Dad for.

********************************************

Okay, this quarter I'm taking a poetry class. It's different. I like it. It creates anxiety. But good Anxiety.

Open Wide Here Comes a Fist Punch to the Temple

2010-01-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

I think I'm developing a new method. (poetry that is)

What I'm going to do is just whenever I'm on my computer, each week I will leave an open word document. By the end of each week there should be something.

Good Idea? Perhaps.

(you): heh?

Wants and Refusals

2010-01-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

Let's return to this shall we.

A wayfarer by Christmas. A hermit by New Year.

Come...

2009-12-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Come next Sunday
Your Monday will be my Tuesday
Winter's nine o'clock becomes our four
Am I hoping that I can reflect?
Redirect upon the times that I cannot foresee to forget?
Really now, I just power through the wait
A wait that has been really aware just as of late
Trips to be are trips to know
Odd to see the morrow's sun snow
Under, way under, is eagerness to adore
Your chills will be my warmth
Come next Sunday

Please Fast Forward Please Focus

2009-12-02T23:08:00.000-08:00

I can't get myself to understand BIS 101. I am so behind. I honestly have no clue on how to approach it.

Genetics may be by far the most frustrating class that I have ever encountered. Serious. It just does not click with me. I am at the point now where frustration and worry are impeding on the little productivity I have left to actually learn the material.

Please let this not be the decision-maker to my future. Please oh please.

I want to get through.
I need to get through this.
I will get through this.

For this is my hope.

Tuna Sandwiches a First

2009-11-22T21:40:00.001-08:00

Okay this will be an odd post but I think it will somehow correlate or not.

So here's my situation . A couple of weeks ago, can't quite remember how many but a fair amount of time ago, I made some tuna salad to put in my lunchtime sandwiches and what not. For most of the quarter, I've just been sticking with my usually mushroom, spinach, mozzarella and hummus on sourdough sandwiches but since I had some canned tuna that I bought from Costco last year, I decided to change things up. I cut up some onions, drained the tuna, and added some mayonnaise; did not add celery because it was not available to me at the time but I made do with what I had. Anyways, I made a decent sized batch so it would last me through a couple sandwiches and tuna-melts. Turns out, I made a little to much.

Enter situation.

After using most of it, I saved the leftovers and kept it in some Tupperware and left it in the fridge. Days pass and I say to myself, "It's still good. I'll use it tomorrow or the next." However, after a week went by and then another I began to realize that it was probably going bad. So after that first week and a half I decided that I should throw it out.

Well...a couple more weeks passed and it's still in the fridge.

But why?

I know that the tuna has gone bad but why have I yet to throw it away?

Perhaps I'm just lazy.
Perhaps I have just forgotten.
Perhaps it's something a little more conscious.

Maybe I'm just avoiding having to deal with it because I know that it will be very unpleasant.

Another day it sits in there is just another day stalled.

I'll approach it eventually.

Such a random topic. I know.

******************************************************************

Mundane Weekends.
A Toll Has Been Taken.
Productivity Wasted.

Patience Waits Patience

2009-11-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

I find myself in a period of frustration.

Day by Day. Week by Week. Month by Month. And now, Year by Year.

I live my life. My own life.

I know what I want out of it and intend to follow through. Consequently, I take the necessary steps (or I at least try to) in order to realize the potential to my desires and my hopes. However, taking these steps is never fully drawn out.

I base my plan on the logical faith that what I do and the decisions I make will ultimately lead to my true happiness; whatever that state may be. I have yet to experience it.

There are times where I develop good momentum. These times nowadays are short and few. They leave me once I begin to feel comfortable.

For so long I have been seeking answers. My method has been straightforward yet complex; however, I have yet to see any substantial progress.

Am I stagnant? Why can't I move forward?

Patience is a word that embodies me.
Patience is a word that has contributed to my success.
Patience is a word that has been killing me throughout.
Patience is a word that will lead me to happiness.

For this I know.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."

-Saint Francis de Sales

I think I may be going home this weekend. I am in desperate need to play piano.

Voice and Vocals

2009-10-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

I want to write a song. Ideally, many, but for now just one. A real song. A song with meaning. With heart. With passion.

Substance.

Every time I do so I only end up writing some of the guitar or piano part but never really the melody or the lyrics. It's sad really. I'm sad for it. So much feeling to express. I tend to focus so much on the elements rather than what it is. I attempt to write lyrics but it all sounds like I'm trying way too hard to make it poetic. I push for feeling but cliche' always ensues. No originality. The times I always find some thought of creativity are always in places and situations where I am distant from recording. Remembrance.

Moments Before Slumber, The Haze of Daydream.

I hear some of my peer's compositions and they are all wonderful. There is purpose. Their purpose. They have their true inspiration. I have yet to find mine. Or rather, realize mine.

Writing a duet would be wonderful. Would be self-settling. Lovely.

I have always been quite smitten by the guy and girl vocal complement.

I need a voice before a vocal.

Help me find it.

Finding the Lines

2009-10-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

Underwood Typewriter- Fionn Regan

The roots go deep below ground
I like to walk with you in the evening
Up the hill and back down
I watch the mailboat from the clearing

My mind is so confused, I climb back on top of you
And I'm changing the ribbons in this old underwood
Step put of your dress and I'll wear you like a hood
For a hood is a home
for someone who lives alone

I draw a line from A to B and what happens in between
It is an open mystery as far as I can see

My mind is so confused, I climb back on top of you
And I'm changing the ribbons in this old underwood
Step put of your dress and I'll wear you like a hood
For a hood is a home

***********************************************************

So Summer has ended just as quickly as it began. Can't really find the words or the stories to sum it up.

I find myself unfazed by the load but daunted by the presence.

Fall is Autumn:

I see leaves change
Temperatures Slow
Dusk Fast
A new pace.

Time Off

2009-09-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

I really need to get back on track. More to come soon, I hope.

For now, I'll stay thirsty.

Fish Nets

2009-07-26T03:35:00.000-07:00

"Let's fish for sleeping babies."

Found this photo from my cousin in the Philippines.

Tired Eyes

2009-07-25T00:17:00.001-07:00

How must I rest these tired eyes?

I sleep early yet I wake up late.

Focus is strained.
Dull hinders sharp.

Bright glare, I study hard.

Contacts dry while staring blankly.
No subjects in mind.

Redness.

First Summer Weekend in a Long Time

2009-07-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

So first of all, this past weekend was really quite splendid. After days of studying my brains out for my ochem midterm last Thursday I was like "screw it" what's done is done and now I'm just going to enjoy the weekend.

Though I'm taking summer school, I have scheduled it so that I have a 4 day weekend each week. I love these four day weekends because it gives me enough time to hopefully enjoy my summer without school ruining it for me.

Okay here's the basic gist of how lovely this past weekend was.

Movies:

I saw Harry Potter on Friday night with my work. Have to say, not a big fan of this one. I mean if you like the whole Harry Potter series then I say go for it but since I don't really keep up, I was lost most of the time and in general thought that it was not that interesting. In fact, this Harry Potter seemed a bit dirty with its "snogging" and what not. Although it didn't help to have 200 COSMOS high school kids snicker at every innuendo.

I chuckled.

It was probably the fifth time I've seen it but I actually love Love, Actually but shh....I'm kind of a sucker for movies like those.

Fruit-Picking:

Gosh, I can not remember the last time I went and done this. As a child my family and I would always go cherry picking and we would always get pounds and pounds of cherries. I never really appreciated it until now.

Out in the farm lands of West Davis lies this small little farm where one could pick berries, peaches, apples, and tomatoes. In the morning, before it got too hot, we picked some delicious raspberries, blackberries and peaches. Although it was quite pricey for a fruit-picking place, it was nice nonetheless.

Sticky fingers and juice stained clothes.

Baking:

Probably the main source of nutrition, or lack there of, for the past week has been of baked goods. Birthday cakes, brownies, cookies, muffin tops, and PIE!

On Saturday, in response to our new found acquisition of peaches it was only fitting that we bake a pie. We have never baked a pie before but we gave it our best effort. And with those efforts, we found success. The peach pie was wonderful; sweet, warm, and comforting.

“Life itself is the proper binge.” -Julia Child

Swimming:

Up until this summer, most of my daily activities revolved around the pool; swim meets, water polo matches, and lifeguarding. It has been a while since I have actually identified the pool as being a source of refreshment and relaxation. It was nice lounging around the pool without any agenda.

Bright shine. Hot air. Water cool. Tan lines fade.

I need more weekends like this.

Summer Beneath an Orange Sky

2009-07-11T20:21:00.000-07:00

All right. It is almost mid July meaning that summer is in full swing.

This summer will be and has been different than any of my summers in the past. First off, I am l am now twenty years old entering my second decade of living. No longer a teenager but not yet an adult. I feel as if I am in between the in between stage in my life; if that makes any sense at all.

Second, I know now that I have officially moved out of my house. Since I am taking both summer school sessions here in Davis, I will be spending all of my summer away from home. It is different from moving out for freshman year because I knew I had to move all of my belonginsg back to Livermore for the summer. Knowing that I will never have to move my stuff back home has caused me to realize that wow I will never be living back at home in Livermore at least if my future academic and career plan follows through correctly I will not have to move back.

As for summer school......I have had my ups and downs with it. Though I am only taking one class this session, I find it hard to remain focused. Organic chemistry is killing me with every mechanism it throws at me. It was hard enough as it was during the school year to find the desire to study but the summer atmosphere has just turned me into one lazy mess. Oh well....life goes on. I know it will only get harder so I'm just enjoying it to the best of my ability. One thing that helps is knowing that I have good friends there with me in my classes.

That brings me to another aspect of my summer that I find different. Unlike freshman year, I feel that I have successfully proven myself capable to meeting more friends. I feel that I am in a good place right now amongst my friends from both back home and in Davis. It is weird, I feel that it is not until I spend substantial time away from a friend that I really learn to appreciate them as a person. This has held true for both of my groups of friends from Davis and Livermore. For the most part, as humans we rely on social interaction to affect our development; at least I do.

Bwahhh......I have spent too much time on this post right now and I am feeling the affects of it. It is 83 degrees in my apartment right now and I am melting here at 9:30 on a saturday night with my warm laptop on my lap.

Okay I am going to finish this up.

Anywho.......

Summer thus far.

I had a birthday. I turned 20 on the 20th. WOOT! It is weird. I got TWO cakes baked by my wonderful friends from both Davis and Livermore.
I saw a bunch of movies and now I am broke. The Hangover (ashamedly funny). The Year One ( Meh, I chuckled). The Proposal (chick flick I know but was satsifactory). Away We Go (Jim Halpert with a beard; need I say more).
OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM
Lifeguarding
Internship
Melting
OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM OCHEM

All right I'm done for now. Yell at me for more if you wish.

Portugal. The Man meets Baby

2009-06-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to this band for a long time. They have a unique yet familiar sound that speaks some kind of energy. Though hard and gritty, they may not attend to many followers but I definitely recommend seeking them.

Portugal. The Man "Salt" (Acoustic) from Portugal The Man on Vimeo.

Cute.

Some other good songs by them...

Shade
Bellies Are Full
Sleeping Sleepers Sleep
Chicago

Side note:

I need to make a habit of playing music outdoors.

Join me.

Hide and Seek

2009-06-27T01:42:00.001-07:00

Why hello there.

As a child we have always played that familiar game of hide and seek. In this game, one of two roles are assigned. You are either a hider or a seeker. With each and every game these roles are changed; however, most often or not, hiding was a role that seemed to over play the other.

I believe that I have been hiding long enough. This time it's my turn.

For now, I am a seeker.

I seek the hidden.
I seek truth.
I seek meaning.
I seek faith.
I seek love.
I seek music, art, and joy.
I seek people.
I seek you.

And above all...

I seek myself.

Out of interest and encouragement, I have decided to start one these. This is a work in progress.
I have never been much in the ways of the written word but I hope through this I can improve upon it. I hope to make this part of my routine though I can not guarantee anything.

As of now, my audience is small. Perhaps, with extended interest it will grow.

Thank you for reading.